Six Things

My friend Holly "tagged" me and now I am going to write six (hopefully interesting) things about myself. (Btw, Holly, SO sorry this took me so long. Your e-mail got sent to the junk mail folder and I only check it about every two weeks....there's usually nothing in there but trashy things and I just don't waste my time checking it all the time!)

1. I live by lists. This is to say that I make lots (LOTS) of lists. Lists about anything and everything. Things to do, things to buy, people to see, people to write cards to, people to call, stores to go to.......you get the idea. Everything in my life (well, most) can be put down in a list. For some reason, seeing my life in lists makes things easier for me to manage. That's not to say that the lists ever get all the way done......actually, hardly ever. BUT, somehow seeing what I need to do, written out, makes me be able to breathe easier. I think this comes from my school days as I had a really hard time (even then) keeping track of things that needed to be done. I have never had the best memory and if I didn't write things down (like homework) in a list of what needed to be done and when, I would get home at night and have panic attacks that I was forgetting something important and then wouldn't be able to get anything accomplished because I was so focused on what I was forgetting (or thought I was forgetting). The best thing that ever happened to me in school was the invention of the School Planner. I kept EVERYTHING in there. I always knew right where it was and when things were due and to whom. Sadly, I don't think I had a planner except for maybe my last couple of years of highschool (maybe even just my senior year......faulty memory). Anyway. I like lists. And if I'm going to remember something, I HAVE to write it down. And, even now, if I'm going to get things done at home...I have to make a chore list for myself to follow. Sadly, a busy life and sickness and trips always seem to mess me up and get me out of my groove....but if I can follow my list....then I do great.

2. I sing...........all the time. I go through my day singing. What I sing changes maybe dayly, hourly or minute by minute depending on my mood. I think songs keep me going and keep me in a stable frame of mind. Usually they are songs I've learned at church (see an earlier post for my favorite one). But I always have a song on my mind. Yes, sometimes I get stuck on one and can't get it out of my head. And, sadly, they are usually ones I don't really care for. I just make myself start singing something else and I can most of the time get it to go away. I have always loved to sing. I don't have the best voice (I was cheated in the voice "gene" as my sister and brother have beautiful voices), but I can sing reasonably well.....at least the kids don't mind.....YET! :)

3. I eat for comfort. It wasn't always like this. In fact, I remember in school.....all they way through college even, going all day without feeling hungry and really eating. I remember, in fact, getting into trouble with my parents alot when I was younger for not eating lunch at school. It wasn't really the fact that I wasn't eating that was so terrible...it was the fact that I was trying to hide it from Mom and Dad. There are days that I wish I could skip a meal now! It seems like, now, that food controls my life......or a good portion of it anyway. This is the first time in my life that I've ever had to worry about my weight. And it seems like everytime I get to a point where I could do something about it......a situation slaps me in the face and turns me down. In fact, to give you a little idea......Since I was pregnant with Mitchell it seems like I've been sick for the past 4 years. Here's a little run-down: Sick with Mitchell when pregnant, then after Mitchell was born two months later I got pregnant with Karissa and was sick with her (although not as badly). Since Karissa has been born (and she's only two at the moment) I've had mono twice (I just started my second round of it this month) and I've had two surgeries. There's been only about a three month period since Karissa was born that I was feeling relatively "normal". And, just so I can say that I CAN do it...during that period of time I lost 17lbs. Anyway....the point of all of this was...I've become a comfort eater....and I hate it.....and I hate being overweight.....but how do you lose weight when you aren't allowed to excersise? (for anyone that's not had mono...you aren't allowed to do any exercising until you are given a clean bill of health). So...........................I feel sad. I eat. I feel happy. I reward myself. And I get fatter.

4. I feel guilty. About everything. EVERYTHING. And I over-analyze my life and everything in it. I'm a people-pleaser (which goes along with feeling guilty) and if there is someone in my "world" that is unhappy......so am I. I work everyday to make sure that the people in my life are happy and happy with me. If I do or say something that I think was hurtful or inappropriate (or even just stupid) I stress over it.........and stress over it. Until it finally bothers me SO much that I go back to that person and apologize. The amusing thing? Ususally that person has no idea what I'm talking about, doesn't remember the situation or why I'm apologizing. BUT, I DO. And, even though it might not have affected them....it affected me because I wasn't being the loving, caring, sensitive, insightful person that I try on a daily basis to be. And I'm getting worse at it. I have a family curse that when women in my family get older....they get more and more outspoken. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.....except that what they are outspoken about can be hurtful if not said in the right way. I'm trying desperately to not be that way...but I find myself leaning that way more and more everyday!

5. The word "NO" is not in my vocabulary. Ask me to define the word "no" and unless you are talking about my children.....I coudn't give you an asnwer. I can say no to my children because I know it's good for them for me to say no. Like, NO! don't touch the stove, it's hot! I can do that. But when it comes to others asking me to do things.....I can't say no. It doesn't matter how disruptive it will be to me or my family, how big, how small, whatever the request I will ALWAYS say yes. This has gotten me into more trouble than I can count. But I just can't bear to say no to anyone. Even if it means putting a hardship on me or my family.....I will do whatever it takes to make whatever I said "yes" to, happen. I've gotten myself roped into SO many things that I should have said no to.....but, I just can't. I think it goes back to being the people pleaser. If I say no......they might think bad of me, or they might think I don't care for them or their needs......and so I say yes.

6. Finally, the last one. And if you are a brave soul and have read this far into the blog....WOW! Thanks! :) Anyway. For my last one.....I'm VERY VERY sentimental. Very. I come by this naturally. My mom is the same way. The bad thing is that I can make anything and everything have a sentimental meaning. This leads to being a pack rat because I can't throw anything away, remembering things that aren't even important and that no one else remembers, feeling attached to people when there's really no attachment there and getting my feelings hurt rather easily. I am very loyal. If you consider me as a friend, then I'll do anything for you. Even if someone considers me a friend and treats me badly, I'll do anything for them because there is that sentimental attachement there. This gets me into trouble on many levels. The most disturbing thing about being sentimental...............................I cry at everything. I could be the worlds best crying actress. You want me to cry? Just tell me something sad, tell me something sweet and I'll burst into tears. For no reason of course. I've almost stopped watching TV because I can't handle all the crying that I do. I see a commercial about the poor kids in Africa. I cry. I see a commercial about someone needing money for cancer treatment. I cry. I see a show that has a special moment in it. I cry. I can even cry at cartoons. Not joking. *Sigh*

Well, those are six things about me. Not, necessarily the best things or the biggest things, but six things nonetheless that maybe some of you didn't know.

Thanks for reading! And If you've gotten this far and haven't been tagged yet, Then consider yourself tagged! :) (I'm not officially tagging anyone because I can't bear to make someone feel pressured to do something they don't want to do).