As my kids grow and are more able to express themselves with words, I'm finding it more and more impressive they way they are able to communicate with others. Of course, many things about the kids I find impressive and would love to be able to imitate....their never-ending energy, for one. But I think the one thing that I've noticed about them that really really gets to me is their abitlity to communicate. They don't get shy (except for karissa around some new people), they aren't afraid to say what they are thinking at that very moment, they aren't afraid of expressing their feelings about something....good or bad, and they are honest to the core....sometimes painfully honest....but so honest that you don't have to wonder about them.

When does that change?

I've been thinking about that a lot. Wondering when that changed for me.....and I think I can actually remember when I started changing from innocent child to the hard, sometimes bitter, sometimes uncaring, and most of the time painfully shy adult that I am today.

The answer? I believe that happens when we start to realize that we can no longer trust everyone in our lives. Trust. That's a big issue. You tell someone a "secret" for example. Either something that is bothering you, a problem, a hope, a dream, and if you tell that someone to keep it to themselves you trust them to do that. People, however, are people. We are by no means perfect and we tend to screw up from time to time. So, when we learn that first painful lesson of not being able to trust someone with something precious to us.....we lose a piece of that innocent open communication, that ability to be able to tell someone how you feel without having it thrown back at you in some way.

I wonder how different things would be in the world if we could express ourselves the exact way we were feeling? To be able to tell your spouse that you are needing something more, to be able to tell your best friend that she's hurt your feelings, or to tell your boss at work that you are feeling over-burdened or un-appreciated?

Now, some people, I've noticed, still are able to express themselves just they way they want. They say what they feel and they mean what they say and they have no problems with what others think about them. The problem I've seen is that because not all of us in this world have kept this trait....we find them abrasive, overbearing and just down right difficult people to be around. Still, I think there's something to be admired about them though. I would love to still be able to express myself the way I'm feeling. To be able to walk up to someone I see having a bad day, give them a hug and tell them it's going to be ok. I can't do that anymore. I'm too afraid of invading their personal space, finding out a problem about someone that I might not have wanted to know, looking like a freak if they reject my attempt at sympathy and, mainly, just too afraid of being an open book.

The kids, I believe, will be able to be open books as long as they feel they can trust the people in their lives. The first time someone betrays that trust they will lose some open-bookness. (is that a word?) And the more they are betrayed, the more they will retreat back into themselves and the person they would really truly like to be is hidden somewhere behind a protective wall. Because we want to keep that part of ourselves...that "real" part safe and sound. That's the real person inside and we want to keep them safe. We don't want them to get hurt, rejected, or laughed at. SO, we conform, become synical and bitter people who see the worst in others and that's what we expect so that's what we get.

The point of all this rambling? I truely truely wish that I hadn't lost my "innocent person" in grade school. I wish that even through all the hateful laughter, lies, betrayals and hurtful words that I could have still stayed the same innocent, trusting, caring, interesting person that I am somewhere inside. I want so badly to be able to express myself the way I would like, but have hidden that person away for so long that it might be impossible to do now.

I love watching the kids be who they truely are. It's fun to see their personalities and their quirks that will some day be hidden away. I will miss that about them when it happens to be that they hide themselves away. But, for now, I'm going to enjoy watching them be little people who love, hate, get scared, get angry, care, and be honest without the fear of what others think.